The holidays were hard...

This is a long one, but there is much to say... and there are some fun pictures at the end :)

This has been an interesting week to say the least. We've been anticipating our next baby, enjoying making plans, and even announced our "baby news" on our Christmas cards. I had no idea that this would all suddenly change. On Christmas Day, I miscarried and we lost our baby. It was an emotional, awful, and heart-breaking experience that was absolutely devastating for us. I was definitely not expecting this and felt very blindsided. I had past all the common miscarriage weeks as I was heading into my 2nd trimester. I was also growing, having nausea and preparing myself for a 4th. With complications several hours after the miscarriage, I ended up in the ER Christmas night from 10pm to 5am. What a night. The Lord softened me and broke me. I felt a peaceful sadness... with much weeping.

There was no incident to bring this on, and was merely a "genetic failure" as the doctors like to put it. I'm not sure if that makes me feel better or worse? I know that it was out of my control... yet that brings a new fear that I can't prevent this from happening again. I have to continue to learn that I am not in control of my life and that I can't have such an agenda in my head. We have so much to be thankful for... I hope to live more in the present and be grateful for all the blessings in my life. I can't remember the last time I have cried this much. Going through this without the Lord would feel so empty. It is a sweet thing to cling to a relationship with Him in a time like this. We have a peace and hope in His perfect plan for our lives. When I saw the tiny creation He had made, it absolutely crushed me and broke my heart... but in the midst of it all, I was amazed at the miracle of creation. I am awed by this verse now more than ever, "I am fearfully and wonderfully made; wonderful are Thy works and my soul knows it well" (Ps 139:14b)

It is so hard to write because it is all so fresh and vivid. I praise God for His grace and peace. I am thankful for family and friends who love us and encourage us. I have heard so many miscarriage stories and have found a new empathy for women who go though this and much worse situations. I pray for comfort and humility through this.

"The eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms." (Deut 33:27)

We are continuing to learn and be reminded of God's truth from the encouragement of others. I was reminded today that this is all for the glory of God. Even if I never see what "good" comes out of this in respect to my little life, I know with confidence that God is to be glorified. We are taking it one day at a time.

On another note... our life got even more "interesting" a few days later when Tayven was dancing around and fell. He cried, went into shock and couldn't walk. When we took him to get x-rays, they found a fracture and he was put in a cast yesterday afternoon. He was pretty pumped to pick out the color (light blue) and was giddy when he came home. When friends stop by, Tayven asks them to sign it. Everything is pretty cool in his world. Hmmmm.... but I'm guessing that will last for a day? Maybe two? I'm trying to anticipate the hard days and think of creative things to do with him. I am sad for him to go back to school and sit during recess. He is still very independent and still likes to do things himself. He tries to crawl everywhere- bathroom, to his bed, and even races his brothers. What have we learned? We've learned through this that dancing = wrong = consequences = broken legs. Naaah, he'll be dancing again happily in 4-6 weeks. We've also learned to find humor as Josh has him limp or crawl up to people when they come by to visit and say "God bless us everyone" in a Tiny Tim voice. Truthfully, we hope this spurs on much conversation in Tayven's life about God's plans verses Tayven's, sympathy for others, and opportunities to talk in general as his life has slowed down quite a bit! I know this month or two will be a time to look back on someday. For now, we'll take it slow.


A few fun pictures during Christmas time...



This was taken right before Tayven's Christmas performance at school


Waiting to go in to a bouncy house place. A taste of heaven for Dax and Harper



Christmas morning




Tayven's broken leg and awesome cast!